Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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