my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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