my phone needs a breathalizer
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize