doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
