My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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