Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
