Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
