Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I looked at my own cervix.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
