I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize