He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
this just has baby written all over it
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
