Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
