I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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