omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
