there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
