Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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