my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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