Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Even my vagina gasped.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
