I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
