trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
