my mouth tastes like poor choices
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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