i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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