when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
