my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
