Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
