omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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