Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize