Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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