Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
