your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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