Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize