i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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