Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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