sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have post one night stand depression
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
