so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Barsexuality is the new black.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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