Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
