The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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