The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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