I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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