happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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