I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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