so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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