i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
