Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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