I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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