I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
