You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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