A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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