i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
