I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize