Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize