It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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