Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
