She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
