Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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