I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
