literally had 100 drinks last night.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
