is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
